Then You'll Be Free

So I'm "dating" again.  I put it in quotes cause in my mind, until you're hitched or planning to get hitched, you're basically dating. I don't believe in half assing when I do something so I have dusted off and broken out my dog & pony traveling roadshow that showcases my awesomeness for the potential eligible bachelors of the world. I'm smiling as I walk down the street even in torrential downpours like what NYC had this morning, I flirt incessantly, and I maintain a positive outlook at all costs.  I don't know the terminology for what you call it when you are being open to what life, the universe, and the internet bring you. Whatever you call that, that's what I'm doing. Being open without being easy I guess, and learning about myself in the process.

So, a Sunday or two ago, I was minding my own business lightly stalking an object of brief affection in Banana Republic.  Perhaps stalking is too strong a phrase.  He was shopping and I was committing important details such as sizes and color preferences to memory, 'cause, you know, that's what crazy serial monogamist girls do on a 2nd or 3rd date. I happened to glance up at a shelf while he tried on blazers and noticed that the books they used as set dressing in the shop were lined up all askew.  This lead me to succumb to my OCD and spend more than a few minutes straightening them.  During my moment of pattern dominated behavior, I discovered a collection of Ibsen's plays. I stood on my tiptoes, gingerly pulled the book off of the shelf, and let the book fall open wherever it may. 

 I'd landed on "A Doll's House." I've always met this play with a tumult of emotions. On the one hand I praise Norah for playing the role of submissive wife while all the while controlling and ruining the family's finances. On the other, I loathe the deception she practices in her marriage in part because it reminds me too much of a role I used to play. 

I didn't even know they let girls with tattoos in Banana Republic.  I was standing in Banana Republic, a place I never shop since their stuff never fits me and always feels sorta like I'm playing dress up and pretending to be a different kind of girl, a girl who is graceful and petite, a girl who always has her hair and nails done perfectly, a girl groomed for marriage and a traditional life like Norah.  Here I was, reading a play and tumbling down the rabbit's hole of memories and completely forgetting all about cataloging dude's sizes and likes so that in case things were to ever get serious, I could live up to my cake momma reputation (in my mind.)

Well not reading a play per se, but skimming it in part because I love/hate it, in larger part because I was trying to show I could entertain myself in a cool kind of aloofness instead of following him around the store like a starry-eyed hopeful puppy-like dope who oohs and aahs about how nice everything looks on him.

As I put on my best I-like-art-type-girl face and looked at the page, the following 2 lines jumped out at me:

When your dance is over....

Then you'll be free.

I don't know why, but those two lines leapt off of the page, wrapped their non-existent hands 'round my throat and shoulders and shook me for dear life. I felt like someone who'd been playing a role or dreaming or make believing instead of like a real person with real thoughts and feelings and ideas. 

I thought about the hoops I'd jumped through in my mind at the thought of just being considered by someone....

The agonizing I did as I got dressed to go on first dates....

The pretending I was prepared to do in the hopes of being the one for someone else since one too many times I'd been lead to believe that being me was too much....

In doing all this shit, mentally I completely jumped the track and felt anything but free. I was taking input from waaaay too many sources about what to do. It was like my life went to a Broadway show, and the house manager announced that "Tonight the role of tygerlily will be played by a hormonally crazed, thirsty broad willing to contort herself and life in any manner of ways to please someone else."

When your dance is over....

Then you'll be free.

I feel more me now than I have in a looooong time.

Hello gorgeous!