#41014 Love's Sophomore, aka Don't Fck It Up

After watching HIM walk, everything else seems sub par.
Everything else is just everything else.
He will either be my greatest love or my greatest ruin.
He who I will make legend.
He who I will make mine.
I just want to drink wine and eat decadent foods with him and fuck and drink and eat some more until we are both completely spent.
He makes me believe again.
      makes me think my happily ever after could be a tangible thing
      makes me want to spit blessings instead of heart broken curses on the page.

Am I to be the fool again?
If I am to be love's fool, at least let me be love's sophomore.
At least let me be old enough to know better and young enough not want to.
To know better than to listen to or believe any and everything I'm listening to and believing,
but I'm still here
Ignorance is bliss & I've already said how overjoyed I am to be HIS fool.

I may have said the wrong thing to the right man,

Again.
I doubt too often,
long for too much,
drink too much,
spend too much,
and love much too easily
with too little to show for it.
& now I may make another bad decision instead of spending another night alone.

May make another poor life choice for the sake of warm arms around me.
May claim another empty notch on my lipstick case to preserve pretend pride.
Taste the tongue of another in the name of licking my own wounds

Said the wrong thing again.
Now I may be sleeping solo again,
Not for lack of choice,
But because I may have made the wrong one again.
Let the wrong one affect me and fck up with the right one,
Again.
Said the wrong thing to the right man, again.
Lacked patience and been hasty.
I've heard that doing the same shit over and over and expecting different results is the definition of Insanity.
I've read this script before with different cast members, more than a few times...
Doesn't that make me batshit crazy or just a writer in desperate need of a rewrite?

#010614 Losing My.....

(If the following reminds you at all of an SATC episode, I apologize in advance. In my circle of friends I'm ALWAYS the Samantha.)

All weekend long I did nothing but sleep, eat, shower occasionally, discover the miracle that is Hulu Plus, turn off my cable, and attempt to get my life in order. That's what weekends in the winter are made for. I imposed a bedtime/curfew for myself for school nights so that I could ensure maximum calm and positivity at work the next day. I stayed up and slept late most of the weekend. Now, here it is, the night before work resumes and I can't sleep. As I often do, I reached into the bottom drawer of my nightstand to grab my pocket lover/sleep aid so I can rock myself to sleep.  5 attempts later, I was sweating like a whore in church and no matter how I tried to relax and access the top shelf of my Spank Bank,  I could not achieve my petit mort. I kept having the petit mal version of an orgasm. It's like I'm almost there and then it disappears. 

#010114 I'm Back...

10 years ago began one of the rockiest decades of my life.  In the space of 60 days, I lost 2 grandparents, broke up with one of the best boyfriends I ever had for reasons that seem positively ridiculous now, and allowed all of the worries of a quarter life crisis to kick into full throttle. These stresses would strangle me nightly. I had debilitating insomnia, manic anxiety episodes, and other slightly OCD behaviors that could only be  “cured” by a high twice daily dosage of anticonvulsant/mood stabilizers, copious drinking and constant attention from would-be-lovers.  To call them suitors would have been an insult to men who actually court women. All of this took place before through low self esteem, I met, fell in love with and married the wrong person.  That (discussed ad nauseam) relationship was five-year roller-coaster whose aftermath ricocheted through my life (and finances) longer than the marriage itself.