#112314 Smells Like Teen Spirit

Growing up, we were almost never away from my mother. My father's work caused him to have countless business trips, but Mommalily was almost always home with us.  When we were little, every night, she would either tuck us in our respective beds and snuggle with us until we each fell asleep, or if we'd whined and coerced enough, let the three of us pile up in her bed and fight over who got to snuggle closest to her.  That was what I knew love to be; seeing the person you loved most before you closed your eyes at night with their scent curled up in your nose. The few times Mommy did have a conference to attend, I'd stave off missing her by nuzzling with a shirt or slip of hers, trying to make it easier to bear being away from her. I didn't realize until much later in life how that coping mechanism conditioned me, how innate smells became to me and those I loved.

A few weeks ago, I was stealthily collecting clothes for some of my more less financially secure students and for some of the homeless in my neighborhood I try to help out.  I know my friends cycle through their clothes and trends faster than these kids do, so I put out an APB to homies, lovers, and friends to aid in my collection.  The Muse was always well connected, but beyond that, was always kind.  After one text conversation, he assembled a huge box of clothes and shoes when I told him about how one of my favorite students was being teased for coming to school slightly stinky and in dingy shirts; they did wear the same size after all.

#010114 I'm Back...

10 years ago began one of the rockiest decades of my life.  In the space of 60 days, I lost 2 grandparents, broke up with one of the best boyfriends I ever had for reasons that seem positively ridiculous now, and allowed all of the worries of a quarter life crisis to kick into full throttle. These stresses would strangle me nightly. I had debilitating insomnia, manic anxiety episodes, and other slightly OCD behaviors that could only be  “cured” by a high twice daily dosage of anticonvulsant/mood stabilizers, copious drinking and constant attention from would-be-lovers.  To call them suitors would have been an insult to men who actually court women. All of this took place before through low self esteem, I met, fell in love with and married the wrong person.  That (discussed ad nauseam) relationship was five-year roller-coaster whose aftermath ricocheted through my life (and finances) longer than the marriage itself. 

#51711 Junkie

 
he'd ruined music for me...
i was out with another. trying to enjoy myself, but really enjoying him enjoying me. across the table. i knew what his looks meant.

then a song came on and i couldn't look at this man across from me with anything other than bewilderment that he wasn't the right man.


because of my muse this one's time would be as short lived as all the others.
there was no escaping the inevitable.

i had been fated to love him even when he didn't love me.
i had been fated to think of him even when i couldn't be further from his thoughts.

other kisses were hollow in comparison
their mouths lacked the fullness of his.
their intensity never matched or surpassed mine.

they made it too easy to conquer them while he remained unnavigable.

i loved getting lost in the maze that was his mind
and signed up to do so time and time and time again.

i kept swearing him off
but like the junkie i am,
i've never kicked him...
he is my greatest vice
my favorite drug....

he ruined music for me.

me who has an eternal soundtrack for my life.
me who hears music in conversations
me who sings even without opening my mouth....

other's arms couldn't hold on strong enough.
other's embraces felt oppressive.
other's kisses tasted nasty to me.

they made it soo easy to be mean to them while he always got the best of me.

i wanted to get him out of my system,
then the chords of a song i'd forgotten would bring me right back
right back to the first time i realized i'd fallen in a well i couldn't get out of
right back to the first time he gave me goosebumps in body parts i didn't know existed.

i loved getting lost in the maze that was his heart
and signed up to do so time and time and time again.

the intricasies of his patterns
a creature of habit who confirms to none.


i kept swearing him off
but like the junkie i am,
i've never kicked him...
he is my greatest vice
my favorite drug....

i am addicted and there is no substitute for the high he gives me...
even at my worst,
i am my best for him and him alone....
i can't get him out of my system....
i've known a life without him and don't want to see those days again...
i don't wanna....

#4901 My Love Is....

 

my love is....

there is no diet version of my love
i can not love in increments and single serving portions
i do not have a sugar substitute for my kisses

no lily-light for those afraid of decadence
my love is a rich souffle that takes days to eat in its entirety
(you almost want to ask for two plates so you can share)

my love does not come in petite sizes with slender waists
one size fits most

my love is....
my love is not afraid of full bosoms and thick ankles
that soften an embrace
escape
paradiso in plus sizes

too much of everything has never been just right

my love is Baby Bear's bed
when you're tired
my passion is unforgettable
sleeping with divine

my love does not come in a base model
there is no dimmer switch
on
or
off


my love is all or nothing
free
or
bound


my love is splendid
celestial
escape for the weary

my love transcends mapping
and
logic
and
second hands on watches


it can only be explained in excess
purging on the supple
damn near suffocation
but the fear of not breathing has never been so sweet

#5411 Too Soon

 

Dancing between discretion and submission
got me wishin'
you were fishin' in my blue lagoon
too soon to give a damn whether you come or go....

too soon

too slow to realize we're moving too fast
can't last selling my milk away for free
saw you laugh at the scars on my knees
ready to earn more for you...
too soon to call your name when another touches me

seeing babies in your smile
not trying to be the mother of your child just remembering
innocence captured in the glimmer of your eye
innocence disappeared as your hands pulled my thighs

too soon

staring at the skyline under an amber moon
pretending not to stare at each other
too soon to call you my lover 'cause it's not love i have for you

too soon not to return calls from others dreaming of a brother
i long for within
too soon to tell him that we are unable to be more than just too soon

passionate about a passion that shuns me with its greatness
causing time apart to make me feel ill,
realizing you've begun to fill a place in my life too soon
too sudden yet loving the suddenness of your embrace from behind
behind dark hours that keep us safe from remembering time
behind clouds of vices denied
shunning the rules
inventing destinations creating them as we go
trying to listen for the song each of us forgot was inside
we hide from unworthy pretenders
becoming defenders of our feelings keeping ourselves from feeling anything new
too busy being through with everything we've already been through
to realize what the 2 of us could do
for days and days on end but then again,
we only have days before the suddenness suddenly is not so sudden
and sadly
sullenly
i find myself alone.

LYRICS I LOVE: E.T. -Katy Perry

You're so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil?
Could you be an angel?
Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing
They say be afraid
You're not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don't understand you
You're from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I'm ready to go
Lead me into the light....
-Katy Perry


<iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/21782204?title=0&amp;byline=0&amp;portrait=0" width="400" height="300" frameborder="0"></iframe><p><a href="http://vimeo.com/21782204">Katy Perry - ET</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/youonlyliveonce">YouOnlyLiveOnce</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>