#020614: The Grey Area

I think this is inspired by Singles Awareness Day being next week. I'll decide if it's a good idea or not later. Too hungover right now to know now. 
 

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard.... 

I lack the energy to follow all the rules in this dating game. Double speak exhausts and bores me in a way you can't even begin to fathom.  I'm not talking about the chase.  I enjoy being pursued and more than that being caught. But the other antics strike me as sooooo juvenile and therefore beneath me at my ripe old age of too-old-for-that-shit. I know 'Pac said, I don't want it if it's that easy, but is the converse that it has to be THAT hard?

So when dudes keep talking about how they don't want a relationship, yet clamor for all the perks of a relationship, I can't help but roll my eyes, HARD.  Last I checked, we were grown and grown people are allowed to have relationships of different types. There's a whole spectrum of titles between friends and spouse that we, dating grown folks can explore, yet it seems that dudes only know three: friend, bedfellow, spouse. I don't know if these are new dating regulations that were released while I was being made an honest woman, but I did not get these notes in my remedial dating class and as a result often find myself in some relationship gray area that is neither only lover but not quite significant other.

I'm a Virgo, I compartmentalize EVERYTHING. I'm cool with having a lover, matter of fact I LOVE having lovers, as long as said lover remains in the lover lane and doesn't overstep by doing boyfriend-y stuff.  That's when I get confused and that's when the grey area starts. If you're going to do boyfriend-y stuff from the lover lane, then why not take the plunge and be the BF? What makes it even more of a conundrum for me is that WITHOUT FAIL, the moment that the relationship averse gentlemen of afore mention wake up and decide that they are possibly trying to wife me is usually when I am officially over it.  Not over it the way many of us say when we really aren't and are being emotionally dishonest, but for real over it.  How long can I be expected to exist in these gray areas?

When a dude tells me he doesn't want to or can't be in a relationship, I give it a little bit more of the old college try. "Why?" you ask, because for much of my life, I've been the Ferrari of love; racing from zero to head-over-heels in ten seconds flat. But once I've tried to be patient, and things remain in the same undergraduate style holding pattern, I'm going to start to peruse my other options, because there are ALWAYS other options. *shrugs*

Usually, it's around the time that I get ghost (aka "I've been REALLY busy.") or when I stop responding to your text messages in a timely or interested fashion THAT'S when they decide they want me.  Not when I'm whipping up red velvet waffles for morning-after-breakfast or coping thoughtful birthday presents, or doing my best impersonation of a porn star. Naw. All that lady in the streets/freak in the bed talent is wasted. It's when I'm aloof and distant that suddenly I'm desirable.

A former "prayer partner" (shout out to @theXDExperience for that phrase that pays) once said that I do too much and in doing so, set the bar too high for it to ever be reciprocal. Soooo, basically, I should be less thoughtful and it will be easier for dudes to want me? I have to act like I don't like you so that you will like me?

What type of illogic is that?
Why go through all the machinations?
Why go through all that trouble?
Why play these games of tug-of-war with each other's heart strings?
Why not just want me when I want you?

I mean, even when I'm not being the Ferrari of love and I'm waiting and pacing myself and giving things the chance to blossom and bloom organically, even that has a limited shel life after 30. By about 3 months, you should know whether you want me or not.  If you do and you can't/won't join me in my quest for our happily ever after, then kick rocks quietly and get out of the way so someone else can join me on my quest. I mean, 3 months....that's 3 period cycles.  It would be nice if men could decide if they want me or not before the second trimester of our relationship. Excuse me, our label-less relationship, small "r." I don't even really care about the label or proximity as much as I care about fidelity.  Then again, maybe that's just residuals of my last major Relationship, capital "R."

Lemme go try to sneak a disco nap under my desk real quick....
SMOOCHES!!!
Shine on!

#61112

she never knew that he really existed.
so much of her time was spent focusing on trying to make do in a life without him
then she stumbled upon him by accident and what a fall it was.
some people go through life without ever being touched in special places
the way that she has over and over and over again.
each time,
she gets better at being someone's woman,
though she's never been his.
each time,
her lover gets better at being her man,
though he's never been hers.
she told him he was her partner and the world turned into hues of purple spilling over with her passion.
never had so simple a word blossomed and stained the world so exqusitely.
she stares at him when he's inside her.
she takes all of him in and glows magentas and pinks.
flowers burst through her skin when he touches her.
the purr in his voice makes her shine like stars on clear nights.
he makes her shine.
she'd gotten dull and almost varnished by those who'd tainted her with their ill will,
and she'd loved them anyway.
love is never wasted and she loved to love.
she loved being in love.
being in love suited her,
it made her beautiful.
others noticed the change in her gait,
in her smile,
in her touch.
folks would wonder what was going on in her mind.
she would see the beauty of the world and none of the flaws.
spring made her do that.
her lover made her do that.
she was unable to see the couple fighting on the block
or smell the urine in the train station.
she didn't want to keep writing about him,
but she couldn't help it.
he was in her mind,
in her heart,
in her skin,
in her sex.
loving him is both effortless and impossible to do without going crazy.
certain moments make her feel like she's not strong enough to take it.
she needs him
he needs her
making him hers was the only way things could have gone.
she never planned on releasing him,
letting him rest within her coils was the only way.

when he is not near, she longs for him and tightens with anticipation.
she wants him by her side always.
she wants to greet every morning with him and close out every night wrapped in his embrace.
she doesn't want to know life without him in it.

she had to possess him, entirely,
wrapping her limbs around him enveloping him in her cloud

#9311 JUST friends

We were 

JUST friends,

but that didn't dull the sting,
not even a little bit.

You left.

I was celebrating and hadn't even planned on seeing you.
I'd put all thoughts of you

and what I really wanted from you

out of my mind.

Somehow,
you manifested
and
you
just
being
there
tortured
me.

Being just close enough,
but somehow not close enough.

Right then,

I wanted you more than I wanted wealth.

Right then,

I wanted you more than I wanted fame.

Right then,

I wanted you more than I wanted to be free.

Why would I want freedom when I could be bound to you?
Why would I want freedom when I could be braiding my limbs to you?

You rested your hand
                  your hands
on my body....

Through my dress,

I wanted every single one of those digits to memorize every single piece of me.

Through my dress,

your fingertips burned into my skin the words you pretended not to want to say.

But you were leaving shortly.

You were leaving the event
                 leaving our unspoken conversation
                 leaving me

your friend

to go and see another.

You didn't say it.

I could read it in the pain of your expression

I could read it in the way you said

you had to go

as if waiting for me to give you a reason to stay.

I couldn't say what I was thinking.

After all,

We were JUST friends.

I couldn't say to you

She's not me

Isn't

Won't be

Can't be

All you need and want

She has you tonight when I want you

She has you tonight when I danced with you

for the second time

She has you tonight when 

I've put an hour's extra effort into how I look

                                                     how I smell

                                                     how I feel

All for you

All to let you know I hear what you're thinking.

Yet,

You left me to go and see her

Whoever she is doesn't matter.

She's not me.

Isn't

Won't be

Can't be

All you need and want

I shouldn't care.

We're JUST supposed to be

JUST friends

I'm on one tonight.

I'm killing it tonight.

I'm serving tonight.

                              serving lipslegsandlashes tonight

I caught you staring at my lipslegsandlashes

I want those fingers on my lipslegsandlashes

The fact that those fingers won't know me tonight,

intimately

won't touch me in the morning like J Cole said

won't make me grateful for waiting 

ALL THIS TIME

for you

won't make me gasp as if on the place I touch real late when all alone and call your name

because of course,

we're JUST friends

Neither of us wants this.

You know as well as I do

If your eyes hadn't told on you,

your hands certainly did

those hands that didn't fight my hem as my moves made it move dangerously north

those hands that rested far too low on my curves 

those hands that burned intentions through my dress as you pulled me too close

It was late

and so you left

                  left the event

                  left our unspoken conversation

                  left me

JUST your friend

to go and see another.

You didn't say it

I could read it in the pain of your expression

I could read it in the way you said

you had to go.

I tried dancing with others, but their hands felt clumsy

I tried dancing with others, but they told me to put my phone away.

I kept it close in case you changed your mind

I watched the door in case you changed your mind

                              in case you realized what I already know

You deserve better

You could do better

I promise

I'm better

-tygerlily