Tuesday, March 8, 2011

#3811 Open wide & Say AHHHHHHH!!!!!

EDITOR'S NOTE: This post 1st appeared on THELAURENSHOW over a year ago. Some of you are faithful readers who've seen it before. Some of you are newbies waiting to be inducted. At any rate, this guest post was first done by one of the homies who asked that we address her as Myparentshateme.  I am nothing if not obedient... enjoy!


Ladies, what's the big deal about head?

tygerlily was telling me that a couple of weeks ago, she was chatting it up w/a friend abt another married friend of hers whose wife doesn't give head.

I blatantly made fun of the girl.

Not giving your boo a professional is to me as grave a sin as women who cant/dont cook. Broads should get marked w/a DENIED brand so fellas don't get caught out there w/one in the crib and a neglected peen.

I'm saying, how can u be grown & not rock the mic?
Crazy ish is, I believe shorty prolly expects dude to lick her love below.... How does that work? You don't wanna test your gag reflex, but feel as though he needs to slurp your vag yogurt? How do you rationalize that? No really, put me on 'cause you, dear sister, are living in DE-NIAL.
say aaaaahhhhhh....

Personally, ever since my first attempt @ "singing," I have to admit, I get turned the eff on knowing that I can do something to make a fella feel good, make him feel goooooood.

I like to see a mu'fcka's toes curl from the pleasure I am bestowing upon him.

I enjoy hearing those low guttural moans crawl up out his chest.

I appreciate all the "oh sh*ts" he spews at the top of my head like machine gun fire as he's about to cum.

That sh*t gets me really f*ckin....well, you get the picture....

I've made it a point to get my skills w/that on point. I read about it. I watch instructional videos. If you want to be happy in a relationship, I heartily advocate sucking a mean cock.
Don't know how?  4 out of 5 exes will tell you I know what I'm doing when I go down.

I know some chicks are reading this right now and thinking #hosh*t.

Y'all b*tches are prolly single and salty about it! Don't hate me, hate the fact that you're a prude.

I've heard from some of my girls that they don't do that because they don't want the dude to feel like he "got me."


You don't want him to think he "got you?"

Let me get this straight, you think letting him tickle your tonsils with his man meat means he "got you," but doing the hokey pokey with you bent over in the kitchen on a butcher block chopping board doesn't?


You boning him, aren't you? So why not give him the boning he'll never forget?

Not only that, but you feminists want power and equality, right? So why not take out all that frustration you feel about job and economic inequality by making a dude squirm and beg for mercy from the skills you can't put on a resume? Use what you've got to get what you want...E'rybody has a mouth...come check my tonsils......aahhhhhhh.....

Now that we're grown it is way more important to have QUALITY sex rather than QUANTITY. Afterall, who wants to be a lousy lay? Who wants to be the forgotten fck?

I was recently working on my "list" of all the boys I've boned before. There are A LOT of names that were left off the list. Why? 'Cause they are forgotten fcks. If I remembered them, then at best I know I got nekkid with them, but there was nothing memorable about them or about us unclothed for me to feel the need to record them for posterity. In..out...in...out..and next thing you know, some sweaty dude has collapse across my perfect busom.  If I'm not feeling it, I damn sure ain't faking it. If I'm not faking it, why would I bother remembering you for a later date and higher number.

In essence, they are misdemeanor lays.  They'll get erased after a few years and won't stay on your permanent record.

They were fast food dick. They tided me over when I was hungry, but they don't neccessarily qualify as a memorable meal.

Think of them as the snackwrap of penis. A guilty pleasure you indulged in and right afterwards wished you hadn't.

But, I remember everyone whose dick I sucked & I remember them WELL....ok, maybe not ALL of them, but I do remember most....

Funny thing is, I'm almost a hundred percent sure they remember me too. How do I know this? Cause the few times I've bumped into them somewhere & given the obligatory hug, something below has automatically bumped into me. It's like seeing my smile causes a Pavlov hardon for them.

If I allow the conversation to actually become a conversation, inevitably they'll fish for details about my marital/relationship status, or lack there of, and drop hints about their own in attempts to try and get this old thing back.

Please save me your armchair feminisms about how I should be more to a man than a wet mouth barrel o'fun.

You're absolutely right.

Women should be well rounded, intelligent mates versed in global news and pop culture, be patrons of the arts and have the innate ability to both prove themselves right without emasculating....

It's about how some broads really got selfish ass mentalities and don't understand why they can't keep a dude...

It's 'cause you're not gargling babies.

UmmKay? Sorry to break it to you. Don't believe me? Try it out and see. If I'm wrong get at me. If I'm right, make sure you hydrate, don't be scared to spit on it and I won't sit by my mail bow looking for the thank you note. Your hands'll prolly be to busy to type it anyway. 


<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sfhWdsmd7IE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

1 comment:

  1. I HEART her. And that's not just the man in me, but I totally agree with her mindset. A few of her chosen terms, made me smh and chortle, but all in all, this was a great read.