In his arms nothing else ever mattered. He may have owned the limbs, but that place was mine.
No matter what was happening,
I could always think of his cinnamon embrace and feel calm
Feel a warm quiet
Feel no pain
I could escape through even the thought of his embrace.
He would hold me SO tightly
I would not want to move let alone be able to.
I felt safer than safe in nestled into his chest.
Everything around me would settle and disappear.
The buzzing in my brain would slow
to a hum then
to a whisper and then
to the sound of the two of us,
breathing as one.
But then he broke us.
We broke us.
Disappointed me one too many times while I loved him.
I lashed out once too often.
Had too many expectations.
He bulldozed those like developers do the rainforest.
Broke something we couldn't fix,
And with that,
the serenity of my nutmeg place,
the respite I discovered laying with him was replaced by the tears and the pining for someone who would never be mine.
The tears eroded the wall of safety I'd felt when I laid with him into rubble.
All that remained was muddy dust and the glimmer of a pretty place in memories.
when the buzz hits deafening volumes and threatens to make me thrash about like Odysseus on the deck of his ship,
Begging for peace
Lusting for quiet
Hungry for serenity
the chaotic siren's call reminds me of that muddy glimmer.
Reminds me of the opalescent clarity of soundlessness I had time and time again when I laid with him
when sound stopped.
Makes me yearn for that opiate that would have me nod off into an anesthetized slumber.
Then do I remember.
The buzzing stops,
the humming stops,
the whisper begins,
the breathing calm returns.
In that silence I am grateful to have known a purple place as this before it became ruins only visible in my memories.
I am calm again.