Friday, May 6, 2011

#5511 Camera Phone

It all started with a couple of glasses of wine for dinner on a weeknight and I got to thinking,

"I feel like rocking a wig."  

I don't rock wigs as much as I used to, but I like to keep one around 'cause....well, I've always liked being able to play dress up soooo....What? I'm a drama person and aspiring drag queen. You never know when you'll need a good wig. YAAASSSSS.....

What makes one randomly feel like she needs to rock a wig? With my return to #twitter & my twitterversary coming up, I was having a lil' bit of hair envy.  Some of y'all just have luxurious locks (both grown and purchased) all cascading all cross your shoulders and down your backs in profile pics & twitpics.  Yeah I Solange'd myself a million moons ago, but now I wanted something to be cascading down my back and cross my shoulders. #noheauxsht. I wanted daytime stripper hair.  (shout out to @saigrundy) Me with loooong hair and sexy poses would look awesome in a new profile pic.  He also hadn't seen me with longer hair. I thought about surprising him rocking it next time we went out.

Oooh he'd like that! I'd just show up w/my wig luxuriating like I'd gotten out ALLLL the Indian in my family blown out in the Dominican's chair.  Oooooohhh! What if I I played sexytime dress up by myself and snap flicks on my phone and sent those to him.  YAAASSSSS. He'd like that. (This is where having wine for dinner starts to be a bad idea....)

What started out as me creating and homage to soooo many people's faux fly camera flicks evolved into me playing out my skripper fantasies in the full length mirror in my room to achieve the perfect poses for my photo shoot then went all the way left and almost left me needing the ER last night.

Don't get it twisted,  the Doll is fairly fit.  I'm REAL sexy with my clothes on. Hell, once or twice I've  even been told I'm not just limber, but FLEXIBLE.....For my age anyway....Chile....In trying to achieve the perfect sexy yet anonymous photo I got about three cricks in my neck, did something strange that made my kidneys ache and somehow caught a charlie horse AND a deadleg.

I have a new found respect for those who have folders full of self shot self soft porn portraits on their smart phones.  That mess is not as easy as you would think it is.  I thought I'd be able to face the mirror, hold the camera just so and end up w/ a flick that both was and wasn't me.  I wanted it to suggest me, but not look like something I'd have to explain after I become famous when it suddenly surfaces on the top of someone's blog or comes across my bosses desk.  When I set out to try record my grown up game up by-myself dress up and take these semi sexy self portraits I KNEW not to commit the cardinal sin others have done in the past:


Some of you may already know that I am a woman with ink. The ink I rock proudly is fairly distinguishable and in places hard to mask.  Well, under normal FULLY clothed circumstances, you wouldn't be able to see it. But these were not NORMAL fully clothed circumstances.  These wer my attempts at creating a nudie representation of myself and by nudie, I clearly mean not even Skinemax worthy.  How was I to take a photograph of myself that had neither my tits my tats or my face would get me a more stern rating with the MPAA? I mean, the wig would help in hiding features I wanted to disguise, so on it went. That was easy.

Figuring out how and where to hold the camera was a totally different adventure. That mess was HARD!!!!

I'm a woman of a certain age so I have a fairly good grasp of what my good angles are, in what I look best etc.... It's something I  had to learn over time. It's amazing how the slightest change in posture or angle could add or take away years from my image on a real camera.  With a real camera I can appear fairly photogenic. I say this with great modesty from years and years and years of feeling awkward in what was my gangly body.  (You can take a tomboy out of her overalls.....) Finding out what makes me look/feel good on and off camera has been an arduous task.  When asked to take a picture, I would feel a certain way inside when I posed for the picture, but there was a decade or so where that feeling wouldn't translate to the film. In a lot of ways it was because I was trying way too hard to hide the discomfort I felt and trying to look like something or someone I wasn't. I have no idea who or what, just not me.

Within the last 5 years, somehow that all changed.

I finally felt comfortable in my skin.  Graduating to taking a big girl photo of myself seemed like a natural progression.  Practicing by myself was like the (un)dress rehearsal.

All bets were off with this damn camera phone.

First of all, in trying to mimick America's Favorite Camera Phone Poses, I have deduced that you have to have the wingspan of Shaq to take them well. I'm not a short woman, but my arms are far too short to box with the god of cameras on phones. Other than overhead flouresent lighting, NOTHING is as unflattering as the indoor lighting on "impromptu" phone photo shoots.  Every time I'd get what I thought was a semi decent pose or expression going, something disastrous would go down.  In trying to give the camera smoldering vixen, I ended up looking like a porous crone from zooming in far too much.  When I got what I thought was my petulant cherub pout going I instead looked like I'd scorched my lips on a curling iron.

I've seen sooo many people with actual sexy pics with their phone.  Somehow they have mastered the art of looking #popsiclehot with low pixels and resolution. Then to flaunt their skills and shape they post them all the time on thematically nude Twitter days.

How the hell does someone take a photograph of their own ass?
Are y'all hiring production assistants for these situations?
Is there some secret rule book or Facebook group that offers pointers on this kind of thing?
Why were my attempts at sexy pics coming out looking like a preschooler drew them with dull crayons on wet oaktag?

I started to feel like the awkard tomboy again trying too hard to be the Lolita and failing miserably.  The pics were dark and blurry and unflattering.  I could see my stretchmarks.  I sucked my stomach in until I could count my ribs. I pouted with an open mouth. A closed mouth. Snarled slightly. Tossed the wig. Put it back on. NOTHING I did or wore made the photos look nice.  I was about to give up the ghost and throw in the towel when it occurred to me:

Could it be my phone?

Do y'all know this old raggedy ass janky ass phone I've had for a year now still had the protective film on the lens?


Maybe it wasn't me.

Kudos to those with the time and expertise to perfect that utterly useless skill. It seriously took me the better part of an hour to get just ONE flick where I looked cute, inviting, and like one of my secret selves.  I've watched enough seasons of Top Model to know that taking an hour's worth of flicks to get ONE passable shot would've had Tyra telling me to return to the mansion, pack my bags, and go home. To top it all off, it wasn't even a SUPER sexy pic like I wanted.

Lawd y'all.  This is why some of us shouldn't have idle time on our hands...

'Til next time.

No comments:

Post a Comment