Thursday, February 27, 2014

#022714 In My Cups

I was too drunk to still be out.  Too drunk to interact with strangers. He didn't feel like a stranger since we'd been talking so closely for so long. For him to hold my attention for as long as he had, he must have been able to hold his own in conversation. He certainly was pretty, but I wasn't sure if this was someone I wanted to wake up next to. There was too much 80 proof in my veins and too many nights of sleeping alone weighing on my mind... I really only wanted to feel someone's feet next to mine at the end of the bed.  Wanted to nuzzle into someone's who wanted to hold me's arms. I couldn't tell if the man I was sloppily flirting with was that person or not, but he would do. Right?

What if I didn't like his smell?
What if I didn't like how he kissed?
If I didn't like his mouth or his smell and I ended up stuck with him for the night?
How do you politely kick someone out?
How do you discreetly sneak out and walk of shame away?

I'm too neurotic for one night stands. I worry about a man wanting more, showing up trying to collect, and haunting my world when I don't want anymore than what already transpired between us.

When I used to have roommates, this wasn't as real a fear as it is now. Especially not when I lived with Red 'cause I knew where he kept his burner. In undergrad, when I lived on campus, it was easy to get up, sneak out and back to your dorm post coitus.  The trip wasn't far and inevitably you could meet someone familiar along the way. In my off campus days, everyone in the A had cars. After the smash, if you didn't want to cuddle, you could get up politely, feign an early morning class, and drive yourself home.  But now, as a Big Girl living just enough for the (New York) City, everyone always ends up spending the night so as not to have to suffer on cold subway platforms or futilely try to wrangle cabs in the outer boroughs just shy of dawn.

As I flirt with this attractive and almost-drunker-than-me-man, I have to wonder if he's someone I wouldn't mind waking up next to. I do like the curve of his smile.  I've done an obligatory body check. That move where he says something mildly entertaining, I laugh heartily and have to steady myself by resting a hand on his chest. This move serves two purposes. I can assess if his chest is defined or if he has man boobs and  also simultaneously lets him know I'm comfortable with physical contact with him. His chest pleased my fingertips, but does that mean I want to ruffle sheets with him?

I'm drunk, but not desperate, right?
If I take him home, would that make me desperate?
I mean, Jasmine slept with her current husband on the first night and they're uber happy now.

He orders another round and takes my hand....


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